So far away

Urg, so not close and yet so far away. At least I am doing stuff. Basically from DYD I learned that for everything you do that causes anxiety you earn confidence. Today I did three. For some reason I only remember two. Oh yea, I remember the third. Well the three things I did to gain some confidence is.

VEGAS BABY
In something I never thought I would do, is book a flight to Vegas. I am going to see my sister for 11 days. I don't know how I am going to pay for everything once I get there. I don't know what I am going to pack my stuff in. I don't know what I am going to do other than hang with my sis. The thought of doing something like that is kind of scary. Mostly since I will be unemployed when I start my trip. I should have enough money, especially if I get money for me car.

CAR
Well I did something I didn't really want to do and called today to figure out what was wrong about fixing my car. Well it turns out All state was just lolly gagging and now I have an appointment for next Thursday to see what is up. That is going to be fun. What was is the word for opposite of fun? Unfunnity? Works for me

Flirting 202
By far the most scary thing I did today was go to a Flirting 202 class put on by the professional dater. I would like to say that the first thing I learned was that kissing a fool is a remake. I did not know that. Sounded like Frank Sinatra, who knew? Well someone must of.

Well the night started off like I thought it would, more guys than girls. That has been my experience lately with things of this nature. Then the thing started. First it started by some lecture. Which was interesting. I don't think I remember too much of it. Something about trying and being proactive. Alma is pretty cool, it is just hard to remember what she says. It is like David Dieda talks about. Then the first exercise was giving everyone a handshake. I am strong so I worry about hurting hands. She told me to be a little stronger. It is the first thing I learned. Then we did this exercise where we stared at people. Just lined up in a row and stared in each other's eyes. This was easy for me because I like to make people feel uncomfortable by staring in their eyes. Probably looked creepy. I wish I knew if I came off creepy.

The next one was walking up and giving out a card. Being proactive and not saying to much. I pretty much said, hi, coffee. Thought it would get a laugh. It did. It was interesting to see people do this. Learn what to do and what not to do.

The next was getting into a line and hugging. It was interesting this one. Hugging is easy, especially if you are not attracted to the person or they are more nervous than me. Hugging the professional dater made me nervous because she is attractive and is not nervous at all. It is hard to be dominate. The rest were easy. One of the interesting things I learned at this point was the person who acted like the most outgoing (and even stated it) seemed to me to be the person who actually was the least open. She was outgoing because that is her job, however she seemed to me to be very closed. She was very uncomfortable about the hugging. I found it very interesting. Kind of a dog with the largest bark thing. I also know I am a good hugger. People have given me pointers through out my life. I listen :).

Another exercise was standing front to back and touching the other person's back sensuously. However you spell that word. Eff you spell check. I am a regular Jim Gaffigan. This one was ok. I mean it is easy when they know you are doing this.

Now it starts to get hard for me. I think at this point there was more lecture about being open and stuff. Man it is hard for me to remember because part of me just wants to forget. The next exercise was standing in a line and doing a working it down a straight line. This one I started to feel my outgoing quotient to be filling up. I did my walk in front of everyone.

The next one was back to back in a phone call type situation. I did so poorly. I cannot think of anything to say. The first girl I did try to push the button and ask her what kind of panties did she wear. I did this for myself mostly. Because asking that question scared the hell out of me. And it did, and after that I was done. I was ready to go home. I couldn't do it anymore. That tipped all my confidence and out going to the edge and I was spent. Well the rest of the conversation was a little awkward. Then I got the professional dater. Which was an abortion of a conversation. I couldn't think of anything at all to say. This one was even worse. Said some stupid things, got told how stupid those things were in front of the class. I knew they were. I just couldn't think of anything.

The final one was just was just sitting in a chair and flirting back and flirting back and forth. This one was actually easier because I got to read body language. Plus the first one was with the other professional dater and she was easy to talk to. The second one we talked about toys and I could do that all day.

Well that was 2 hours and 40 minutes long. By the end I felt dirty and ashamed and I wanted to go home. I hate that feeling so much. I just want to wrap myself up in a cocoon and never come out. It is hard trying to change one self to be more outgoing. It is like I have a gas gauge and everything I do just takes away. When it is empty I just want to hide so I can fill it up again. Well the last 40 minutes I was done. I do realize that I need to change this feeling of crappiness into a feeling of fun. That is going to take time. I just hate how long it is going to take. At least I gave myself until I was 30 to figure it out. 3 years is a good enough time to change a lot of who I am. All in all it was a good experience. Unfortunately it would probably take about a 3 credit quarter work of this class for it to actually make a big difference in my life. Since it was so scary and I did put myself out there more than I usually do, it did build some confidence. I will just feel it tomorrow.

I will say this. One thing I disagree with Alma about is that she kept on mentioning the one. I don't believe in the one at all. I think that leads to unreal expectations and could lead to what the people at the seduction website calls onitis. That has never lead me down a good road. I believe there are many the ones. I just have to find one of them.

Random Thought of the Day

Fire bad!